Why do I still do this to myself? I know she is bad for me…………….. but I don’t care. I’ll still put my-self through it. I get high off her. haha that makes no sense. Nothing does in this world; not your world, mine. It’s quite the place, a wonderful place. Shit, fuck that shit.
All i do is disappoint people.
No matter what i sacrifice.
“Damn”!!!!! I stubbed my toe, today. I stubbed it on a shoe in the downstairs bathroom, I looked down and noticed the the big toe nail on my left foot was cracked. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but I just bought this brand new nail polish off the inter-web using my mommies credit card yesterday called, Lolly “Lushis Rojo”, its some foreign kind, but its the best all my bestis friends have it, hehe so why shouldn’t I. Yesterday was sad, it shouldn’t have been but unfortunately it was. All I wanted to do was go to my friend Elia’s house at night for a sleep over, but I was grounded, I did not even do anything, it was an accident. My Mom asked me to let are dog Scobby outside; It’s exactly what you think, we named him that because he looks like the dog on the tv show. Ahha I forgot, where was I….. oh yea, so I tried to get scobby to wake up and go outside, but he wouldnt move, he was napping of course what else what a big 5 year old puppy do, well kinda puppy. So I go to school and come home, Mommy told me that Scobby had to go away because he was sick, and he went to a farm where other sick puppies go to get better. We wouldn’t see him again because after that he would become an army dog or whatever lie she wanted to say. But then I told her how scobby got into the liter box and ate the cat poop, so I wanted to clean his mouth, so I got some cleaning stuff, called bleck or bleach, and poured it into his water bowl. So she grounded me, I didnt know it was bad. I was sitting in my room painting my nails, thanks to same day delivery; and my mom came in, she was choking, I did not know why, but I did, but I didnt, I never told anyone, I cleaned her too, right in he night time tea. My brother came home and he saw and freaked out. I giggled, I dont know why but I thought it was funny. He asked what happened, so I told him the truth, “she got sick, quick bring her to the bathroom downstairs. (the upstairs bathroom was broken for years), he did, we put her in the shower, and turned on the cold water, I didn’t want to be grounded anylonger than I had to so I had to ask my brother not to say anything. I ran upstairs and grabbed the first-a id kit so he saw I was trying to help. But I changed my mind, I had this silly feeling, It was intoxicating, adrenaline pumping, and I felt like my skin was tingling, it felt like I was being poked by millions of needles, and my brain burned, I grabbed the stitching needle from the kit and hid it between my fingers. Then I ran to my brother crying by this time it was around 12:01am, he gave me a hug to comfort me, and with one swift movement of my hand I stabbed him with the needle, in the neck, and again, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN!!! I twisted it, and turned it, doing as much damage as I could in his neck till he couldn’t even scream, I left him laying there twitching and gasping for air he would never get, hehe. I then turned around to walk out of the batroom, and “Damn” I stubbed my toe on his shoe, and it cracked my left big toe nail.
“It’s cold out”… was something muttered in a quiet undertone. I wondered to myself why I even said it at all, there was no-one here to here me yet I still said it. I know this is not important or anything but the fact was that day sitting upon the roof of the parking structure, looking down at the world with no thought in my mind other than the temperature, haha. I mean I knew why I was there but that was far, far, away from any expression of thought I could form. I had walked here, from my house. I wasn’t particularly happy with having to walk, but I could not stay at my house anymore, to be trapped alone in a whirl-wind of thought; regrets, emotions all the blaa, blaa stuff people usually think about. It was not anything I wanted to deal with so I walked, and now I’m here. I wish I had something else to do, something that would occupy my time but Im here. “ I just wanna get a better look over the edge”, I said out loud, again knowing no one can here me, with a smerke, I leaped off the the top of the building, It was a moment of true Ecstasy, I felt like I was flying, the wind blowing in my hair, the way my shadow looked like it was growing, and what I especially liked was…….. Dead.